The Disruptor

Closing the portals and the doors for good.

Do you believe in time travel? Or should I ask, do you think time travel is real? Or maybe a better question is, can we time travel? Back and forth?

I ask that not to be overwhelming but because I'm genuinely curious. I really am. I am thinking lately about doors and doorways, openings and closings. How swiftly Janus switches head to head or noisily swings a door wide. Doors fit snugly, flush into their frames. If they are stuck, there may be a moment of anxiety that they'll never open again.

I bought this anointing oil some time ago from The Poisoner's Apothecary. I am sure I’ve mentioned it before, probably in a baneful way. It is Satanic work. It's chronic. It's the opposite of what you might want — a door closing.

Sometimes it's the only way to stop the noise. I have been thinking about it that way. One of the jokes about Libra placements is something something harmony something peace something balance. All of those things are true if a little exaggerated. But maybe you've noticed lately that Libras are getting a bit of a redemption arc. Because of the Aries/Libra nodal story that's coming to an end, Libra qualities have become important. There's been a lot to look at. There's been a debunking of myths. The biggest one that I simultaneously guilty of perpetuating myself and inhabiting is the legendary indecisiveness. Turns out I am Libra ascendant so I can speak to this one. As someone with an air moon (Aquarius) and rising, I think I can speak on it a lot.

I am perched at the door. There's some talking in the room on the other side. I am not sure if it's an argument or a joyful discussion. I'm straining to hear. I am being a little nosy, yes, but I'm also waiting to hear some scrap of information that will help me make a decision. When I'm at that door, I can be there for hours before I decide what to do. Or I can be there for a few minutes. Even with clear divination I may waddle back and forth.

That's because if you live a certain existence, you accept that there's another side of the story. You may not like it. It may not be terribly relevant. But it is there. You'll always wonder what life would have been like with or without it. You'll say, damn, if I had known that I wouldn't have… Or you'll say, well, that cleared things up but I still have to…

Even with clear divination you may…

But you will eventually get up. Something will trigger an idea or a thought. You'll say, ah, okay. And you'll get up. The door must open or stay closed.

There are plenty of doors, plenty of gates. You'll find them in houses, gardens, entranced to cities. I think a lot about what that means…but what does it have to do with time travel?

If you think of every metaphorical door as a portal, there's a way to slip in and out. One of my favorite astrologers to listen to asked of Libra placements: do you know how to say goodbye? A real goodbye, a permanent goodbye? Personally, I think this can be a misconception about the scales. As another astrologer I enjoy listening to says, Libra holds the scales and a sword. Libra is justice, Anubis, the archangel Michael. Libras know how to listen and make a decision, one dare say a judgement.

But, when I said that out loud, a very Libran friend told me she doesn't know how to say goodbye! I was like, why not? She said she holds onto people for too long sometimes due to the length of time they've known each other. I thought to myself, well, that's not that weird. I bet a lot of people do that. But it does seem characteristic of why someone would ask Libras specifically that question.

So it's then that I remember I'm just Libra rising with an otherwise empty first house; maybe I don't count. But what I do sometimes that I think is very related is leave doors open. I leave them open so I can go back in time. Back to a relationship, a scenario. I hold steady. I peep around the corner. I sit like an old man in his favorite chair, listening. It seemed like at some point in my life I didn't quite understand how to close a door, assuming that some mechanism on its own or even gravity itself would allow the door to pull shut eventually. If it wanted. If it wanted?

I knew how to close doors at some point, but not peacefully. As some people close to me can attest, I am a rage slammer. It hasn't happened in a long time that I can think of, but I used to be very into slamming doors when I was pissed. I have dents in my walls. I would slam them open or slammed them closed. Infamously, once I got so pissed I slammed an automated door closed. That's right, I slammed a door that didn't even need me to open or close it with my hands. At my adult job.

I was told that was bad. Intimidating, scary, unbecoming. Not the best. That's correct, but like a child or a child-minded person I overcorrected. Actually, I liked not slamming doors anymore. I felt good. I wasn't mad anymore. I wasn't living with rage anymore. I learned how to speak like a normal person. I learned how to take advice without making things personal and to express my feelings. But at some point, I lost the ability to just close a door. I no longer needed the door as a boundary, I kind of liked being able to go back through time or into the future to mend something or just sit back down in that room. I was just in awe of not needing to seal myself off from the world. Maybe too enamoured. As the “open doors” started piling up, I recognized I needed to start closing some portals that maybe I wasn't even aware were open. After all, what house only has one door? Perhaps the tiniest of tiny houses, but…

So I bought the anointing oil. I started sealing things up. Out of necessity, with regret. It can always open again, I think anyway. This year is the first year that I've begun to feel passive about it again. Why do I have to close the door? Shouldn't whoever or whatever is on the other side of that? Can they really open back up? I always just assumed that if a door never opened back up, then it wasn't for me but…am I not the one intentionally gluing them shut with Goetic glue? I'm creating a Nemean task.

Some doors are so heavy they need two people to pull or push. I am asking the Sun for help. I am beseeching spirits. I’d say keep this thing away from me (if it needs to be away), take this away from me (if it's not mine). Very passive. I have learned that I don't like the person I become when I feel passive.

Perhaps for this solar eclipse, I will finally learn how to suck it up. It's already happening, I think. Slowly, I'm nudging some things short. What's also been happening that hasn't happened previously is that some of the doors are popping back open again. The temptation to banefully seal them shut is great. A lot of things are just unfortunate right now.

This is an example of a 9 card box or portrait spread. I use this for a lot of big picture (no pun intended) things, particularly monthly reads or big looming events like eclipses. This time, I asked what is coming up in this pivotal eclipse in Libra, the sun, the south node. It took me some time to figure out how to navigate 9 cards in the same way I had to figure out the popular Celtic Cross spreads. Now I know more than one variation of that. The box spread is interesting too because it is typically a lenormand spread. I am not sure who started using it for tarot first or when, but the first time I saw it I thought that was a good idea. You don't read tarot in pairs like a sentence like you do with lenormand, but you can still tell a story with pip and court cards.

There's a variety of good ways to read a portrait. Because of the ace of swords as a significator, I chose to take this spread horizontally. A breakthrough or new plan is forming due to the covering of The Lover. A mercurial card sometimes of romance, often of meaningful choice. The lover at the heart of the card is being presented with two choices. You can decide what those are. Because they are women, you might think two choices in love. Lust or romance. You may not see a choice at all. But this man is clearly at a crossroads in life.

V of Swords, II of Wands, and III of Swords provide a little context as to what that choice may be. V of Swords suggests creative solutions, quirkiness, something new has appeared. With II of Wands there is a building up fiery courage, perhaps from the new experiences. III of Swords suggests quite literally mind over matter, that you'll learn something to move forward. You may even have to deliver some bad news or hurt someone with a final decision. But perhaps the stress is only in our minds. What do you need to move on…?

The top row, our crown and our interior life. I like this space a lot. Perhaps the freedom of choice or removal of constraints has brought us to a new mental space. Fire and air always reminds me of the constant churning of the mind, rumination. III of Wands has created a third option to the V of Swords. It has done something new, seen something that the Lover hasn't seen.

The middle row is the here and now, the present. What's really happening. It's here that we have the only watery card, a card of feeling. A card that can represent feelings of estrangement and seeking belonging. The cups progress to the sword jutting through a crown and end with the teacher in a place of expertise and experience. Perhaps the sword turned into a scepter and you're pouring the cups, quite literally doling them out.

Something kind of interesting happens on the bottom line. It seems some stability has been found in the interior and the present, but what is yet to come is disruption. Mental and material disruption. What could it be? At the end, there's another crossroads with the II of Wands. The stability may not last. You may have to watch over some things under the gaze of this fallen sun. It may not be able to help. The sun's light is so far away in the autumn months. The courage and confidence built up ends on a cliffhanger.

Asking a fallen sun in Libra for help can be a little funny. It’s going to leave a door open. An unforeseen door is popping wide open. Check charts, check the skies, check cards. Decide what is too heavy to move on your own. After the solar eclipse, now what? After the nodes change places in January, now what? Perhaps if you leave something open now you can slip back later and tell your past self. Or maybe you can slip through to the future, take a glimpse, and decide. For now, you're still sitting at the door…